Penzu Journal

          I have told the story over and over again. It's like a nightmare or a scary movie. My brother, Ryan, went through his nightmare for 3 months. The news got from bad to worse in a matter of days. I was trying to be that strong sister that I was known as, but it wasn't that easy at all. In fact, it wasn't easy at all, I broke down with tears at least everyday. Ryan was diagnosed with testicular cancer on September 3rd, 2010. I always feared of losing him but I was also going through my best friend who was my boyfriend leaving for college. Now it was my turn to share on what was going through my mind everyday. September, October, and November were months that  I would never even think of reliving.
         My whole perspective on life had changed for those few months. I wasn't sure if my thoughts about life were ever going to be the same. I always had positive thoughts about Ryans cancer and I never thought it was going to be as difficult as it ended up being. I always told myself to be strong and I would tell every that I would continue to Livestrong everyday. That statement wasn't always true and I'd continue to think about what was next everyday. Ryan and I would tell each other that it was always so hard to look at the positive in anything in life that we had to conquer over that period of time. The continuous bad news had not only affected us at the time but had affected both of us in the future.
         I wanted to treat Ryan the same as I had treated him everyday before cancer. He had always told me that it wasn't the same anymore and that everyone would treat him differently just because he had cancer. I always that it wasn't fair, and I wanted to make sure he knew that I saw him at the same person even though he was going through a long tough road. I also want to spend as much time with Ryan as possible. If he wanted me to tag along with him anywhere, I would do it. I always thought, what if I can't anymore? What if something happens to him or he eventually moves out with his fiancee? But I tried not to think of those what ifs and continued on with life as he would want.
       Right before Ryan had to go through the worst thearpy of all; chemotherapy; I had to let go of that one person that I had thought would always be there for me. Trust is something I took for granted, and I was positive that he would be there for me from day one, at least that's what he said... Obviously things change, you change, and you have to move on. I didn't understand why all this had to happen in such a short amount of time. Those first couple weeks were the worst, I would sit in my room almost everyday and ask why? So many people told me that you have to be strong, keep your head up and everything will start to look up again soon. I wanted to believe them but it was never easy.
         Through tough times, you start to really figure out your real friends and who really supports you. I feel as though that is apart of why all of this had happened. I found so many supportive people that I would had never guessed would of been there for me all along.